Subject: More post-show indulgencies
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1998
From: Eb
To: fegmaniax@smoe.org

Well, last night brought more D#-style "weirdness" and bad luck. Somebody
needs to check my horoscope, because it must be black, black, black indeed
right now.

I had double plans last night. The legendary unreleased 1966 Dylan/Band
film, Eat the Document, is playing in LA at the Museum of Radio &
Television for about a month at very specific times (Thursday at 6 pm,
Friday/Saturday/Sunday at 1 pm). Last night was the perfect chance to save
myself a drive to LA and go to the Dylan film first, then the Cracker show
at House of Blues. I've had almost this "jinx" about seeing Cracker live --
I've missed them every tour up until now, due to odd circumstances (last
time, I actually showed up for the show the FOLLOWING NIGHT -- I've NEVER
done that before...unbelievable).

Anyway, the first crappy thing that happened is that I got a phone call
right as I was heading out the door, and couldn't get away from it for
about 10 minutes. Blah. I zoomed up to LA for the Dylan film, and got there
late by the exact margin of that phone call. Grrrrrr. So no Dylan film -- I
wasn't going to walk in late. Damn. Well, I'll have other chances to see
it, but that was just SUCH the perfect time to see it....

So now I have time to kill, so I'm walking around Beverly Hills looking for
somewhere to eat. Not easy, when you're walking past mega-elite restaurants
like Spago, La Scala, etc. Heh. Finally, I find a spiffy little Mexican
fast-food place. I ordered, sat down and was sipping my lemonade. Then
something happened to me which hasn't happened to me since I was about six
years old, if memory serves. Boy, talk about a longshot. What horrible
curse hath befallen me, as of late? Let's make this a brainteaser -- can
you guess what happened?? Perhaps whoever makes the closest guess can have
my Vanilla Ice cd. ;) On top of that, I spilled my drink all over the floor
about ten minutes later. Oof. Just call me Schleprock..."helloo
everybuddy...."

>Anyway, I was stung (right upper arm) by a bee! INDOORS! While sittingstill! A totally unprovoked attack. What are >the odds of THAT? It's like some bee snuck in the door, spotted me and thought to himself, "Hey now, this bum does >NOT belong in Beverly Hills! I'll fix him!!" Then, whammo!

Actually he thought it was provoked. You dissed him for his funny costume as the guitar-playing bee in one of your reviews of LA indie bands. Hell, I used to play in a band with him when I lived in Pasadena. He wasn't very good.

>If anyone has counterproof that the universe is not out to ruin me this
>week, I'd love to hear it. ;)

Can't help you there. Sorry. I just checked your horoscope. Gloom and doom for the next six days at least. Just stay indoors and write emails and read maillists 24 hours a day.

Oh, nevermind. ;-)

Subject: Re: Eb's top ten
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1998 17:42:44 -0700
From: Eb
To: fegmaniax@smoe.org

>Someone gave Eb a wedgie?
>He ripped his pants.
>Belched America the Beautiful
>He and his chair fell over.
>Farted the Blue Danube waltz
>He got really really happy
>He realized he had put his shoes on the wrong feet.
>He found out his pants were unzipped
>He tucked the tablecloth under his collar instead of a napkin
>He wound up not paying his share of the tip

All right, all right...I don't think anyone is going to get it. My favorite
guess was the one about lemonade coming out my nose (which two people
guessed), but that's not the answer. And I think that happened to me once
during college anyway, so....

Anyway, I was stung (right upper arm) by a bee! INDOORS! While sitting
still! A totally unprovoked attack. What are the odds of THAT? It's like
some bee snuck in the door, spotted me and thought to himself, "Hey now,
this bum does NOT belong in Beverly Hills! I'll fix him!!" Then, whammo!

If anyone has counterproof that the universe is not out to ruin me this
week, I'd love to hear it. ;)

Eb

Subject: Re: Eb's top ten
Date: Sat, 24 Oct 1998
From: Jon Fetter
To: fegmaniax@smoe.org

Subject: Bzzzz. . . .
Date: Sun, 25 Oct 98
From: The Bee God (TheQuail )
To: "Fegmaniax!" <fegmaniax@smoe.org>

Roger Jackson, bzzz. . . .

Thizzz izz the Bee God. You have not anzzwered our lazt email, zo we are zending thiz to that Lizzzt of yourzz. Az agreed, our agent drone carried out the azzazzination attempt, but the target waz much larger than you
infomed uzzz! After an heroic kamikaze dive towardz the target'z vile arm, that organ which haz penned zo many harmful thingz, our drone delivered the ordinance package (Type Zeven-Zee "Ztinger" AMRAM) and zuicided quietly on a nearby vegetarian burrito with green sauze. Bzzz.

Az agreed, we ztill expect payment -- thatz three bottlez of Honey-Bear Honey and a bootleg video of Blind Melonz' "No Rain" to bee left by the traszh can outzide, right near all those zcrumptious empty zoda cans.
Zzz.

Even though thiz mizzion againzt the Eb-Thing waz a failure, we zwear our next will be zuccezzful. Even now, the our greatest bee-zcientizts are working on a way to integrate our bee-time travel devizes with lollipop technology, hzz hzz hzz. We will go back to the pazt and terminate your enemy there as a young larvae, hzz hzz hzz. . . . .

But now we zend the zwarm to New York Zity -- death to all who oppoze uz!
Bzz! Bzz!

--TBG

Subject: D#/bzzz
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1998
From: james.dignan
To: fegmaniax@smoe.org

>Even though thiz mizzion againzt the Eb-Thing waz a failure, we zwear our
>next will be zuccezzful. Even now, the our greatest bee-zcientizts are
>working on a way to integrate our bee-time travel devizes with lollipop
>technology, hzz hzz hzz. We will go back to the pazt and terminate your
>enemy there as a young larvae, hzz hzz hzz. . . . .
>
>But now we zend the zwarm to New York Zity -- death to all who oppoze uz!
>Bzz! Bzz!

It's all part of the conspiracy, you see. On Ummagumma, you hear a bee
being swatted by a flyswat (just before the improbably titled track
involving an ancient Scot [1] reciting poetry.

So what, apart from a yellow-striped [2] insect, is a Bee? B is a letter of
the alphabet, and bees are famous for their sting. Who do we know who is
best known as a letter forllowed by something, um, sharp? D#, perhaps?

And doesn't Gordon Sumner fit into this conspiracy somewhere, too?

Subject: Eb wherabouts.

Date: Fri, 06 Nov 1998
From: dlang
To: fegmaniax@smoe.org

the Kenster reprised his feg dream for us and spoke thus-

>Eb and I were talking about the Dreamworks label . . . I was saying that they also signed the band Creeper Lagoon and
that i was really surprised at the diversity of songs on their (CL's) recent disc, given what the single sounded like. Eb politely nodded and smiled slightly in response, but I could tell he didn't like the disc.

So now we know where Eb is, stuck inside Ken's subconscious. Unless....dire thought..... Ken is the KING BEE ? Buzzing around Eb's hive ? I see it now , poor Eb, perfectly preserved in amber by the striped minions
of the vile KB . Looking out on us Feg's as we post.Doomed to observe but not contribute over the millenia.... alas poor Vinnie!!.A foul pergatory for him.
Who will venture to release him from his golden prison ? I would, but distance prevents me from attempting it. Perhaps the US members of the surreal posse will ride to his rescue? Lets face it, its not the same without him.

        Eb may not have been stung by "a bee"...he may have been  stunned by a Tarantuala Hawk.  He was able to make it back to his computer before collapsing on his back with his legs and arms all folded up.  The pursuing
wasp, who had wasted a whole evening waiting for this,  settled on his stomach to lay a solitary egg...
        Why would a Tarantula hawk sting Eb?  Well, if you've ever seen a tarantula pounce on an unexpecting cricket, and if you've seen Eb grab a misguided newby's  (or anyone else's) e-mail in his slavering chelicerae, you'd be confused too.

subject: the insect mother cometh.
Date: Sun, 08 Nov 1998
From: dlang
Organization: sharktrades
To: fegmaniax@smoe.org

I note the return of monsieur Eb and am glad to see that he seems to still be with us. However, I must admit that I somewhat perturbed . Is this the REAL Eb, or an ersatz pretender , foisted on us by the Bee King /King Bee  ?

Now  why would I doubt that this is the real thing?.  The address is right and there's the usual erudite musical knowledge, he's  getting in the odd barbed comment ,but there are a some worrying anomalies that I want to bring to your attention.

There's a few times when I get the feeling that this Eb is changed somehow......

There's a curious degree if self doubt and and introspection that the old Eb would not have indulged in "Self loathing," c'mon, is this the Ebbie who has been known  to reduce  a newbie into a flaming heap with a  carefully chosen adverb or metaphor? and would the real Eb be so weak as to allow himself to be inflicted by a migraine, no way, he's just face it down and tell it to bugger off where it came from, or he'd  more likely he'd physically tear out the portion of his brain that was affected and chuck it in the garbage disposal unit. There's plenty more where that come's from " he'd chuckle as he sewedhis cranium up after the procedure.

No its definitely not the real Eb, so who in holy hell is it?

Eb is now an insect! He has been spirited off to unknown parts , immobilised by being dipped in amber and an insectoid substitute now sits in front of his Macintosh.

Now  you may ask why in the name of Gene Hackman would anyone (let alone the King Of Bee's )want to purloin Vinnie, encase him in amber and then substitute a ring-in ? I mean what would be the point! Ok, so the Bee King is pissed off with the Gondoleered one for some unknown reason , then why not just get a few hives together and sting him to death ?

Ah, but thats too obvious, Bees are more subtle than that you see. I believe the real reason that Eb has been taken from us is that we as a collective list have got on the wrong side of the insect kingdom in general , and they've hatched a plan to do the dirty on us .

So just what have we done to make the little chitinous bleeders irate? I was mulling this over in my febrile brainbox and I think IÕve come up with the answer.

When in the last year or so have we discussed Insects on the list? I mean REALLY discussed them , not just played lip service to them.  We've gone on about fish and Cheese ad nauseum on occasions , but nary a mention of insects and when they have come up its been all sorts of insectist put downs which anyequal opportunity committee would bang us up in a cell for as quick as you can say Trilobite  .

Ok, we have discussed bees in some depth since Eb was stung ( which I believe was an attempt to give us a message to mend our ways pronto or ELSE ). But what was the result ? Lots of flippant posts about bees and no mention of grasshoppers, fly's, roaches, mantis's, beetles or wasps!.When Eb was stung, did he attempt to emphasise with the bee ,get into its mindset and try to discover the psychological state that led its sacrificing itself ? No he just whinged about how painful it was for him and totally ig cranium up after the procedure.

No its definitely not the real Eb, so who in holy hell is it?

Eb is now an insect! He has been spirited off to unknown parts , immobilised by being dipped in amber and an insectoid substitute now sits in front of his Macintosh.

Now  you may ask why in the name of Gene Hackman would anyone (let alone the King Of Bee's )want to purloin Vinnie, encase him in amber and then substitute a ring-in ? I mean what would be the point! Ok, so the Bee King is pissed off with the Gondoleered one for some unknown reason , then why not just get a few hives together and sting him to death ?

Ah, but thats too obvious, Bees are more subtle than that you see. I believe the real reason that Eb has been taken from us is that we as a collective list have got on the wrong side of the insect kingdom in general , and they've hatched a plan to do the dirty on us .

So just what have we done to make the little chitinous bleeders irate? I was mulling this over in my febrile brainbox and I think IÕve come up with the answer.

When in the last year or so have we discussed Insects on the list? I mean REALLY discussed them , not just played lip service to them.  We've gone on about fish and Cheese ad nauseum on occasions , but nary a mention of insects and when they have come up its been all sorts of insectist put downs which anyequal opportunity committee would bang us up in a cell for as quick as you can say Trilobite  .

Ok, we have discussed bees in some depth since Eb was stung ( which I believe was an attempt to give us a message to mend our ways pronto or ELSE ). But what was the result ? Lots of flippant posts about bees and no mention of grasshoppers, fly's, roaches, mantis's, beetles or wasps!.When Eb was stung, did he attempt to emphasise with the bee ,get into its mindset and try to discover the psychological state that led its sacrificing itself ? No he just whinged about how painful it was for him and totally ignored the selfless insect that gave its life so that others would achieve enlightenment.

The insect world is mad at us, and Vinnie is just the thin end of the wedge,we need to take this problem seriously , especially given the numerous insect referrences in Robyn's songs, he is telling us that insects matter and for too long have been downplayed in the overall scheme of things. But did we listen ?, nah!

We have been negligent my friends and I fear that we must begin to give insects their true due in our posts,or we are for the chop. Cease these mentions of Oasis, Carl Palmer, Paul Fox and the evil wodger and bring up some insect friendly topics that we can ponder over , or Eb will only be a precursor of what is to come .

It will only be subtle at first. LJ will cease posting for a few days and when she returns her signature will be lj mantis, Jon fetter will metamorphose into Jon Flytter, w.o.j will become b.u.g and so forth until the whole list will be composed of insectoid being's , apparently human on the outside, but inside a seething mass of mandibles, many jointed legs and myriad faceted
eyes.

You will off course poo, poo this missive ,and dismiss it as the paranoid ramblings of a pompous old fart wanting to get attention, but its happening already! I have a minor roach plague in the room where I keep my Mac. my wife and daughter have been troubled by bees and wasps around the pool and an encroachment of ants took place recently.I'm willing to bet that many other
fegs are experiencing the same symptoms.And what about all these cartoons with
bugs in them eh, coincidence ? Pull the other one, its got ants on it!

dlang dlanged:
>The insect world is mad at us, and Vinnie is just the thin end of the wedge,
>we need to take this problem seriously , especially given the numerous insect
>referrences in RobynÕs songs, he Ôs telling us that insects matter and for
>too long have been downplayed in the overall scheme of things. But did we
>listen , nah!

Hey, I did my part! The one time I met Robyn (one of those "why did I say/do that--can I start over?" type encounters with someone you admire) I thanked him for his many entomologically-themed songs.
Thankfully a previous thread on Robyn-meetings has showed me that there are worse things to say.
As for the insect world being mad at us, the culture of seed bugs that are watching me type this message have yet to lift a tarsus against me. Last night a medium-sized scarab beetle landed on my shoulder while I was eating outside in a market, and it spent a confused 10 minutes waving
its antennae while walking cautiously on my index finger. All is calm with the bugs.
I have yet to convince the local Dengue-vectors to leave me alone, but they go after non-fegs too.

All Hail Hexapoda!
Jon, Chief Priest (Human) of the INSECT GOD, Kaohsiung Temple