'A great oak
tree fell into a river and split open, and a roll of
transparent cling film came out, in a long oval shape. Inside
was a woman made of glass, and inside that woman made of glass
there was a
whole little network of tiny wires. Gradually, the cling film
and the woman made of glass swam out of the river. She began to
she developed beautiful topaz wings which lifted her high above
wood, and she flew all the way to the long white tower and then
hovered just above the long white tower.
She was wearing dancing shoes and as she had learned to fly, she
had learned to dance, and she rotated round and round. She had
elegant legs and she was an elegant dancer, and the foot of her
pump came down onto the top of the white tower and suddenly she
became a statue and she was glass no more, she was alabaster.
underneath kind of glowed gratefully, as you would expect, and
with a beautiful expression on her face turned to stone, and then
wires inside her fell right the way down to the bottom of the
It's not interesting to say what was in the tower, but at the
bottom of the tower was a very very English sort of man with a
bow ties on and a walking stick and a dog named Colonel. He just
hand out, down came a long copper coil, and he reached out his
hand and he
squeezed it and a look of quite pleasure came over his muted English
features and his toes began to vibrate. Colonel the dog rushed
and barked, something was in the air, and sure enough, floating
river from the opposite direction came an iron submarine which
It was full of Chinese boys who were all growling and gnashing
rubbing their saliva on the back of each other's palms. Suddenly
overlord, who was called the Pumpkin, came through. He was three
their size and he just wore a pumpkin head like on Halloween,
with a grin.
He lashed the Chinese boys and spat on them all and then he pointed
whip to the sky and the Chinese boys all looked up.
They saw this bird that looked terribly nervous and suddenly
exploded into a storm cloud, and the storm cloud drifted toward
tower where the woman in the statue was, and it got bigger and
And this guy the Pumpkin was egging his Chinese boys on down the
"Owee, ooh," like that - and they were getting closer and closer
tower, and the Englishman downstairs did absolutely nothing, just
there holding the coil, and then the storm cloud got bigger and
It was a raging storm by now. Little filaments of lightning were
zooming out, and eventually the dog ran back inside and a few
rain fell and the Englishmean held out his hand, went "Hmmm,"
had a glass
of sherry and went back indoors and shut the door discreetly.
was now surrounded by yammering Chinese boys, and the Pumpkin
there overlording them, trying to get his whip round the tower,
but it was
quite greasy - no, it wasn't greasy, it was whip-resistant - so
predictably a bolt of lightning struck that statue at the top
and went all
the way down to the man at the bottom. And the tower disappeared
Chinese people disappeared and everyone disappeared and there
was just me,
sitting in a pool of placenta on a table in Paddington. And that's
true story, and you're the first person to hear it.'"